I received Amanda’s clothes a few weeks ago. Some were given by a friend some I bought online when I was not sure if we were expecting a boy or a girl. I decided not to deal with it at first and decided to pray about who I will give it to. I didn’t just want to give it to someone who doesn’t need it. I decided to give it to two people instead of just one. The first batch I gave to my friend  who is expecting her Rainbow Baby. What exactly is a Rainbow Baby?   A rainbow baby is a (miracle) baby conceived after the loss of another child.

“Rainbow Babies” are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.

The Second recipient is a family friend who gave birth last April. She had a baby girl and I am so happy for her that her baby has brought her so much joy as any baby should.

A new born baby is indeed a blessing in one’s life. The baby brings joy that nobody can be able to
explain. Truly the baby is such a magnificent being, making simple things very unforgettable.Being
being parents is such bliss that you won’t trade anything for it in this world.

I started taking Yoga Classes last year it wasn’t as regular as I would like but I really did liked it. I got pregnant with Amanda and I had to stop. A few days ago I was thinking that I wanted to go back to yoga again. That thought was reinforced when I joined an event that required a lot of running. I told myself I can’t do this!! I’d rather go back to yoga where you just stay in one place and do the poses. Read the rest of this entry →

I’ve been thinking of what I wanted to write about for Mother’s Day. I decided to write about my mom and tell her the world how great my mom is.

1. From my mom I learned how to pray.I remember that as a child we would pray together. We would pray before we eat we would pray during our travels. I could never thank my mom enough for passing on the value of prayer. Though she thinks that I need to deepen it more. I’m not as religious or spiritual as my mom but I do have a personal relationship with God. I pray when I’m sad, i pray when I’m happy. When we lost Amanda I clung to my faith and I poured out my heart and my pain to the Lord and I felt comforted. My mom tells me that I should turn my mourning into Joy and though I can’t do it now. I know that I will eventually get there.

2. Tough Love is the Best Love- My mom is really big on Tough Love even when we were younger and she really does what she says. She tried her best to balance warmth with discipline, to allow us her children to understand what we did and that every thing bad thing that we do has consequences.

3. Parents need to have their own privacy and their own time so I applied it with my own family. None of our kids sleep in our room and we are blessed to have our dates without the kids. We also went on a vacation without the kids and it was really an amazing time to reconnect with each other. I never forget that Philbert will always come first and then the kids come next.

4. Honesty is really the best policy- My mom never sugarcoats anything she’ll tell you the truth even if you don’t want to hear it. Admittedly, sometimes my mom would tell me things that I wasn’t ready to hear but after thinking about it i’d realize that she was right. A great example of that is when she insisted that I take Joshwa to the doctor because she felt that something wasn’t right.Initially, I had so much resistance because Joshwa at that time was 1 year and 4 months.My sister Grishan just told me go to the doctor and get it over with. I was so glad that I did. I bought Joshwa to the Developmental Pediatrician on June 5, 2002 and he was initially assessed with Autism.

5. One of the things that I admire about my Mom is her positivity. She will always look at things on the bright side give her a bad situation and she would always find a way to turn it around. Eventhough things aren’t exactly looking great she will always find something great about the situation and she would turn things around.

Happy Mother’s Day Mama!!

Part of the dynamics of a family with Autism is dealing with Joshwa’s meltdowns.Good thing now that he is older we have learned to anticipate when he will have a meltdown. Last week we went to the beach and Joshwa expected that we will stay over night. So in the car the tantrum was starting and since we couldn’t do anything  as we were on the road. We had to wait it out Joshwa was crying in the car for 1 hour. He stopped crying because he fell asleep. Hay ang hirap talaga pero pag di mo na lang ginawang big deal di na talaga sya magiging big deal.

Adrianne rarely has a tantrum but when we she does I let her cry it out and I’ll talk to her when she’s ready. Adrianne knows that I do not tolerate moodiness, temper, and bad attitude. Sometimes I remind her Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I do not spank her but I take away privileges like no gadgets allowed for a few days.I am thankful for the 6 year age gap between Joshwa and Adrianne. We had time to focus on Joshwa and we can be there for Adrianne when she needs us. We are always to careful strike a balance between the two.

All my entries related to Amanda will now be posted here http://loveletterstoamanda.blogspot.com/ please do leave a comment when you drop by

I suppose I must be making some kind of progress, because I was able to give away some of the things that I prepared for Amanda. If it had been up to me, we would have just kept everything.Most of the things are in storage.

A couple of months ago this would have been all too difficult. I had to ask my friend to help me sell items for me. To spare me the agony but, like so many other things to do with Amanda, it’s taken me a long time to muster the emotional fortitude to be able to manage to organize numbers of things, including packing it right without breaking down. Eventually, I decided to ask Yaya to do it.

I am so glas that my friend helped me to sell it and to speak with the buyers. That way there will be no mention of Amanda, I will not be bursting into tears and upsetting perfect strangers looking forward to the impending birth of their own baby .Which is what I’d been afraid of as much as seeing these special things, that would have been for my baby. No tears that is, until I had to personally deliver most of the baby clothes to our family friends condo unit. When I got home I crumbled and dropped to my knees and I started to cry.

I just really wanted my baby girl to stay these things were all meant for her. It feels like something of her has slipped further away. I always envisioned the footprints poem when I am in these down places – It lifts my spirits to think that God is carrying me – he is carrying me and my husband through this tough time. He is strong and He can do anything- including help me to survive this and grow from it.

i haven’t been posting as much mainly because I’m trying to deal with my medical issues. Doctors are trying to figure out why my blood pressure is not where as it should be. I also am not posting as much because my supposed due date is  coming  up. Well no longer my due date since I lost the baby.

I know I said that I can deal with seeing babies and pregnant women but now It seems that I  want to get away from them. It seems like there are suddenly tiny babies everywhere I go. Our family friend just had a baby. Another friend is expecting her baby anytime soon. A friend was sharing photos and updates about her baby and I was looking at it and then suddenly I lost it and started to cry.( I thought I was doing so well). But things have been challenging lately and I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. Just seeing a mom cradling their baby–alive and with pride was too much. All I could think of is the sadness and pain that came with the birth and loss of Amanda. Realistically It is impossible to avoid babies-whether in person or pictures of celebrities with their new bundles of joy. I had to stop going on Facebook because of everyone’s pregnancy/baby photos. I just feel the loss everywhere.  It feels like it just rubs it in that much more- what we don’t have (not like we could ever forget).

I just want to wake up one day and not feel the pain anymore of course that’s not going to happen anytime soon. Stupid as it is I want another baby. I had to ask Philbert again and he told me that we’re done with having kids and I hid in the bathroom and I cried. I feel the loss, the pain, the regret and the longing and I thought this would get easier.